Imagine… You’re browsing around on social media…
And you come across a classmate from high school. Someone you haven’t seen for quite a few years.
You get curious… “What is this guy up to?”…
So… You begrudgingly decide to take a guilty sneak peek…
Some pictures. Some posts. Some texts. A video or two…
But then your eyes instantly lock onto a few words on their profile:
It says that this guy is the: “VP of Marketing”… Or perhaps, better yet, “CEO” at (insert big company you know).
Well… That might have just ruined your day…
Why Are People Like This?
Stop for a second and seriously consider – how would the above situation make you feel?
You can answer honestly, no one is going to judge you here. We’re a non-judging lot…
If you are like most people, unless this friend is someone you genuinely like, perhaps even love – seeing others succeed stings a bit.
In fact, even if you have the same title yourself, it still somehow stings!?!
I ask again… Why are we like this?
Why is seeing that borderline loser from high school having the same title as you, a bad thing?
Rationally speaking, another high ranking professional in your network is an invaluable asset – but… it still feels bad!
Perhaps it’s because it feels like more people getting included in your prestigious club makes it less prestigious. You are no longer as “special” as you once were. Your club is getting filled with “all them commoners”!
Or perhaps it’s more pragmatic: Your title is cheapening! You have to differentiate yourself even more… This spells out more work for you.
Whatever the case… If you are a CEO and your classmate is also a CEO, somehow it just doesn’t feel as good being a CEO any more… You might now need to compare: “Is my company bigger than his” to get your self-esteem back…
Or, perhaps, the situation is worse…
Your classmate is the VP of Marketing at some Fortune 500 company, and you are still an assistant manager at a tiny local outfit no one ever heard of. In that case, you, yes you – you are the commoner! That stings much worse… No quick company size comparison will restore your self-esteem this time.
Or perhaps… It’s actually truly terrible…
You are a rank and file worker doing something un-glamorous, un-interesting, un-fulfilling job – and still getting paid by the hour… And here’s this bozo swinging his big title around on social media… Well then… Then, the sting is a venomous tragedy…
Then, there is no hope.
It’s a wrap. GG. It’s over..
Why Do Human Beings Think This Way?
The humorous catastrophizing aside, seeing a classmate’s title, in the wrong moment, can genuinely ruin your day – perhaps even your entire week!
I’ve seen it happen to a number of students. In fact, this kind of “title envy” is one of the triggers that gets people to seek new jobs! (Which makes it an unpleasant but on the balance of it all, a productive emotion).
Of course… The competitive spirit, and perhaps a little experience of jealousy is a natural, normal, and human response. In fact, it is a well understood primate response.
In other words: We’re not going to blame you for feeling title envy.
But… We are going to ask that you confront it.
Because, rather than understanding and acknowledging a sense of jealousy – if you try to deny it, or hide from it, or suppress it – it will find another, and likely much more destructive and sinister way to manifest up from your subconscious and into your life.
We DO have to contend with this “title envy”.
How to Move From Envying to Winning
Of course, the best cure for envy is unabashed success.
But, ironically, that’s not the first place to start…
The first place to start is understanding the real reason behind your envy response with sober mindfulness.
The truth of the matter is, many professionals, especially those who have never held a high-value, public or famous role; they DO suffer from some form of title envy, repressed or otherwise – especially when they are first exposed to world class success.
This is because people are social, hierarchical creatures engaged in a competitive career game. They are bound to get jealous and envious from time to time.
And while there is some academic literature on the subject of envy in the workforce, interestingly enough, the type of title envy I’m talking about is explored less by psychologists and more by business people, in publications like Harvard Business Review or Forbes Magazine. (Search for “Envy at Work” by HBR if you’re curious – it sure speaks volumes to where their mind is at ;-))
For our purposes here, let’s skip all that theory and cut to the chase:
The envy you feel is not about the other person… It’s about you.
In other words, you’re not upset that your classmate is a VP…
You’re upset that you are not a Senior VP (better than him), yet…
Which actually stems from you having higher expectations for yourself (not a bad characteristic). It’s just that, right now, the market is giving you contradictory data.
And that contradictory data is challenging your self-esteem and career identity (hence the envy response).
That’s the real reason…
You could care less about your classmate. That’s not it. What it is is that: you know you could and should be doing better.
This realization, when it happens in a clear, calm and focused manner – transforms envy from a negative emotion to a source of motivation.
In fact, this transformation, is in and of itself, enough to get you to start winning.
THAT is the right place to start… By embracing and digesting your envy.
In other words, don’t try to run away from the emotion and distract yourself. Also, don’t just jump into action and start applying to jobs with better titles, either…
I’m going to teach you something much better that will help you use that envy to fuel ALL your future career actions.
We’ll make sure that even your envy serves you!
Here’s how to exactly do that…
Don’t Settle. Don’t Cope. Don’t Give Up.
Remember – our starting point is acknowledging that coping is a losers game.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of advice you’ll find about envy online is going to be teaching you how to cope, how to live with the emotion in a “healthy” way, getting you to pay attention to other aspects of life or your work that is beyond the competitive dimension.
I’m not going to advocate that.
Neither am I going to try the “grass is always greener on the other side”, by telling you that individuals who get powerful titles have emotional problems too, and some even feel nervous about their title because it alienates them from others.
In fact, the first time a company tried to fly me business class, I downgraded, because I didn’t want to sit separately from other colleagues who were flying economy in the same flight. Alienation is a real emotion.
And yes, this “it’s lonely at top” is in some sense a legitimate argument. When Prince Harry complains about how the royal family members are trapped by their positions… Or when celebrities get depressed – even suicidal – because of their lack of anonymity… These people are not lying, and their humanity should not be disregarded simply because they occupy socially desirable positions.
My contention, however, with all this type of thinking is that – they are all copes.
Copes do not harvest emotions to serve you. Instead, they numb and distract you.
Which is why, in the future, whenever you experience a sense of title envy (or envy of any kind for that matter) I recommend you do the following:
How To Get Envy To Serve You
The moment you feel that sting of emotion, the negativity, the jealousy, perhaps anger, and maybe even a tinge of resentment – when all those primate chemicals fire up in your neurology, visualize the following:
That moment the feeling comes up, imagine that the ghosts of all your ancestors are standing behind you, watching, judging, and evaluating your future.
They are watching you because they want to see:
Will you rise up to the challenge?
Will you realize that you can, and that you should do better?
Will you recognize that “if that person can do it, I can surely do it”?
Or will you deny yourself the gift of envy?
Will you follow socially approved, modernized, defenestrated prescriptions to “manage your emotions”?
Will you give up? Run for the hills? Hide behind copes?
Or will you take your ancestor’s challenge?
Make no mistake: Your ancestors think you can and should do better. Otherwise they wouldn’t be triggering these emotions in you.
The real question is: Do you think you can and should do better?
Or perhaps even more importantly, do you want to do better?
These are transformative, powerful, legitimate questions – you shall ponder under he gaze of your ancestors.
Wrapping Up This Title Envy Business
Remember: Title envy is not a negative emotion to be coped with.
On the contrary, it is your ancestors communicating with you – literally, through the information transfer mechanism of your genes and your status seeking instinct.
Envy is a gift from your ancestors. And they are reaching across spacetime to:
GET YOU TO TAKE ACTION!
You don’t have the luxury of feeling bad or coping, cuddled in the culture of vulnerability that our society has embraced to its detriment.
Instead, may you realize that the clock is ticking, and that it’s time for you to play this career game with greater savvy..